Grooming is a commonly-used term, although there is no universal set of actions that define it. There is often times a general pattern of abuse between an authority figure and a victim, but the lines are not always clear and the behavior varies from one case of abuse to the next.
At our firm, Jeff Anderson & Associates, we seek to empower and educate survivors. Here are some common questions we receive about grooming that we hope to answer for survivors.
What is grooming?
Abusers use grooming techniques to manipulate individuals into thinking that inappropriate sexual behavior – often including actions that are classified as abuse or harassment – is normal and ok.
Groomers use a variety of techniques that leave survivors living with shame, trust issues, guilt, a distorted view of reality, as well as other injustices. These all have long-term consequences for a survivor.
What are grooming behaviors?
There is no single way or combination for someone to groom an individual, but some common ways are below.
Gives Gift to Child Victim
Predators may use gift-giving to test boundaries and encourage secrecy. These gifts often come with the rule not to tell others.
Unnecessary & Inappropriate Affection
Predators may use frequent or excessive physical contact to make inappropriate behavior seem normal between them and the child. This often begins in front of adults and escalates in private.
Present Child with Drugs or Alcohol
Predators, in addition to giving gifts to a child, may give them alcohol or drugs to lull, or force, the child into a state where the abuser will take advantage of the child.
False Claims of Similar Interests
Pretending to share a child’s interests or claiming close friendship can build false trust and accelerate the bond between the victim and the abuser. Predators may use emotional moments to seem especially caring, gaining the child’s loyalty.
Overly Interested in the Child
Disproportionate attention or controlling behavior may be a sign of predatory intent. This kind of intense focus can be mistaken for healthy mentorship.
Desire Alone Time with the Child
Predators often seek opportunities for one-on-one time. This often happens gradually over a period of time, starting with very short times of the abuser being alone with the child. Clear rules—like always having two adults present—can help prevent this.
Normalization of Sexual Subject Matter
A predator might slowly introduce sexual topics through stories, jokes, or media. If a child shows sudden awareness of mature subjects, it may be a warning sign.
Predator Grooms Parents to Gain Access to the Child
Predators may offer help to gain trust and alone time with the child. Seemingly generous gestures can be part of grooming. This may include teaching the child a new skill or hobby, babysitting, mentorship, helping a single parent when they are overworked, etc. The process of gaining trust from the parents is gradual and takes time. The parent/s or family often view the abuser as a close friend or may say that they are “like family”.
Has Extensive, Private Communications with a Child
Private messages or calls are used to isolate and manipulate. Parental controls and open conversations about online safety can help protect children.
What are the signs of abuse?
Sexual abuse can result in many identifiable signs in a survivor, both at the time of abuse and in the long-term. The effects of sexual abuse can range from physical or emotional abuse; sexual abuse can even have behavioral signs in children that can last a lifetime. There can be both physical and behavioral signs of child sexual abuse.
Physical Child Abuse Signs:
- Sexually transmitted infections (STIs)
- Signs of trauma to the genital area, such as unexplained bleeding, bruising, or blood on the sheets, underwear, or other clothing
- Increase in unexplained health problems such as stomach aches and headaches
Behavioral Signs of Sexual Abuse:
Behavioral signs are ones that can be observed on the surface. Examples of that are:
- Excessive talk about or knowledge of sexual topics
- Keeping secrets
- Not talking as much as usual
- Not wanting to be left alone with certain people or being afraid to be away from primary caregivers, especially if this is a new behavior
- Regressive behaviors or resuming behaviors they had grown out of, such as thumb-sucking or bedwetting
- Overly compliant behavior
- Change in eating habits
- Sexual behavior that is inappropriate for the child’s age
- Spending an unusual amount of time alone
- Trying to avoid removing clothing to change or bathe
- Self-harming behaviors
Emotional Sexual Abuse Signs:
Emotional signs are ones that can only be observed by taking a look “under the surface,” after getting a clearer idea about how a survivor is feeling. Examples of that are:
- Change in mood or personality, such as increased aggression
- Decrease in confidence or self-image
- Excessive worry or fearfulness
- Loss or decrease in interest in school, activities, and friends
- Nightmares or fear of being alone at night
What to do if someone you know is being groomed
If you think you may see signs of child sexual abuse or grooming, there are ways to get help. The main way to prevent child abuse is to know the warning signs and know how to report it. If you think there is a child who may exhibit signs of child abuse, or you are in need of professional legal counsel to determine next steps, contact us today for a free, confidential conversation. Below are some other resources that mya be helpful.
- If you suspect child sexual abuse, you can call ChildHelp: The National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-Child. They have trained counselors answering phones 24/7 to guide you through the process of reporting.
- If you were sexually abused recently, call the police.
- You can also contact the National Sexual Assault Hotline at RAINN, the Rape and Incest National Network, at 1-800-656-4673. They will refer you to your local rape crisis center.