What is Grooming? Was I Groomed?

Predatory grooming is how a child sexual predator uses lies and tricks to manipulate and victimize children and communities. Because of predatory grooming, the vast majority of child sexual abuse (almost 95%) is not perpetrated under direct threat or force.

Its crucial survivors understand predatory grooming so they can identify ALL forms of abuse they suffered. This may support their journey towards healing and justice.

Additionally, grooming is critical for communities to understand so we can identify the behavioral warning signs of potential predators among us, to better recognize when our children may be in danger.

Predatory Grooming and Children

Child sexual predators also use grooming to make a child believe that sexual abuse is “okay” or “normal”. Grooming is also used as a tool to isolate and disempower the child so that the abuse is kept secret.

The guilt, shame, distorted realities, and injustices done can have long-term consequences that follow the survivor for decades. These include destruction of self-worth, chronic fear and hyper-vigilance, anger, poor self-image, inability to trust, addiction, and more.

As a result of these consequences, it requires tremendous effort for the survivor to pursue paths of healing and justice, so that over time they become more and more confident and empowered.

Predatory Grooming and Communities

Child sexual predators also use grooming techniques to manipulate the communities around them and create an environment in which they can operate.

That is, until they are caught. Or until their behaviors become problematic and their crimes are covered up by corrupt practices such as moving perpetrators to another diocese, or to another type of church-affiliated organization where they may have even less oversight and scrutiny.

Authority figures such as priests, teachers, doctors, and coaches, are especially effective at grooming victims and communities.

How They Do It

Examples of how predators distort reality and take power away from victims include:

• Lying to their victims
  Telling the child they have permission to do what they are doing, that the child wanted it, that it is the “will of God,” or that the perpetrator loves them.
• Isolating their victims
  Taking them to secretive places, telling them that they are special and so “others can’t know because they will be jealous,” having shared secrets, saying they will be in trouble if they talk about it, or that they should not trust their parents and should instead trust the predator.
• Fear and intimidation
  Telling the victim that they will be punished if others find out, or that the child has sinned for what they have done.
• Flattering their victims with gifts
  Providing cash, technology (cell phones, tablets, computers), prepaid credit cards, sport or concert tickets, toys, jewelry, food, or expensive clothing.
• Sharing ‘special’ secrets
  The perpetrator may share innocuous secrets to ensure children will keep them, secrets to keep others from being jealous for “special treatment.” or secrets to keep the child from facing punishment for “sinful acts.”
• Manipulating family members to trust the predator
  Priests and other authority figures are often automatically trusted by the community. The more predators charm and captivate the community, the more they are able to identify psychological vulnerabilities in parents (or family vulnerability points in the child supervision structures) that the perpetrator can exploit. Furthermore, the more the authority figure is trusted, the less likely victims are to be believed. This is because the foundation of the priest’s authority in righteousness and higher good is the polar opposite of sexual predation. Additionally, it’s because children may only communicate what is happening very obliquely. It can be easy to dismiss what the child is saying as it may come across as the child simply not liking the perpetrator, but in reality, the child is terrified of what is happening to them right under the community’s nose.
• Blurring sexual intimacy boundaries
  Where otherwise healthy affection such as hand-holding, hugging, or reassuring touches becomes more sexual in nature. The perpetrator may manipulate the child into believing that their sexual acts are simply further expressions of loving kindness rather than the horrors they are.
• Using drugs and alcohol
  Drugs and alcohol may be used to reduce the victim’s resistance, create addiction patterns, and create a shared secret that makes their relationship ‘special’ and not to be known by anyone else.
• Pornography
  The predator may normalize pornography in their interactions with the child. They may show pornography and also create it with the child. Among child protection advocates, the term ‘child porn’ is otherwise called Child Sexual Abuse Materials (CSAM).